The dilemma of debut burnout

It’s one of the first conversations I have about books that I’m working on. Is the author comfortable with going on podcasts, radio, TV? Will they be okay with writing articles talking about any variety of things, from why they wrote the book to what they think about late-stage capitalism? How comfortable are they recording videos of themselves, either for events or for social media? 

We ask these questions because a book can’t exist on its own. A book needs an author, and an author needs to be visible. Because the more visible an author is, the more a book sells. Or, at least, that’s the basic calculation we in the publishing industry have made.

But in no part of that conversation do we ever discuss if the author has time for these things. This aspect, of their time and what they are willing to do with it, is something the author has to bring up themselves. The more established an author, the more likely they are to say they don’t have time, draw lines, create boundaries. But the newer authors, the debuts, they don’t know that they can draw those lines in the sand. They don’t know they can say no. Worse, they feel as though, by saying no, they are turning down opportunities they have worked so hard to get. 

I know this because this is how I feel as a debut author. 

I wrote book after book for nearly a decade, trying to get published, and now that I am, why would I ever say no to any kind of opportunity that presents itself? I’ll write the articles, do the events, record the videos

Every time I get an email asking if I want to go on the radio, write an article, appear in an Instagram live, create a reading list, record a podcast, do an event with an author, I immediately say yes. Sometimes, I say yes without checking my calendar first and if the thing clashes with something in my personal life, I am more likely to move the personal event. 

It’s simple: I wrote book after book for nearly a decade, trying to get published, and now that I am, why would I ever say no to any kind of opportunity that presents itself? I’ll write the articles, do the events, record the videos. My personal life comes second now because this is the only thing that matters.

But as much as I know this is exactly what I’ve worked towards for so long, I have to admit that it’s exhausting. 

Several days this week, I have worked a full day at my day-job, closed my work laptop and then opened my personal laptop to start working on things around the book. I haven’t been able to read as much as I used to, or watch the TV and films I want to. I’ve been to the gym one time this week, and have cooked one dinner. 

This has been my reality for the past two months. Articles need to be written and then edited. Emails need to be replied to, invitations accepted, invoices sent. 

Then there is the second book, which I’ve thankfully already written, but it needs to be edited. 

The workload is high. I can feel myself getting close to burnout, something I went through last year. There are several short stories sitting on my laptop, waiting to be finished because I’ve left them halfway through. I haven’t touched the edits on my second book yet, asking for my deadline to be extended twice. I find myself irritated and guilty when watching a film or TV show because I know I could be doing work but if I stop to do the work, I want nothing more than to just do anything else. 

This all feels very different to when I was writing before the book deal. The writing never felt like work to me but something enjoyable that I chose to do. Now it can feel hard, like sandpaper to my skin. 

Sometimes, when it gets too hard, when it can feel like I might be close to an edge I’ve been past before, I remind myself that there is a pandemic going on. That some of these feelings, of guilt and irritation, are stemming from that. I remind myself that my day job can be a lot, that it is okay to not do the work one night but eat a pizza and watch a film and sleep.

Often, it is hard to give myself that permission so I do the work anyway and then wonder why I slept past my alarm the morning after. 

I don’t really know what there is to be done about this. This work needs to be done, and it is part of the deal I signed up for. More than that, it is important work. But as I feel myself getting closer and closer to burnout, irritations climbing, I have to ask myself where the line is. 

But I also need to ask myself if I am willing to draw it.