Mr Darcy's Guide to Dating

Lords and labourers alike are afflicted by the troubles of the heart. (I mean no compliment to the understanding of the latter, of course, but rather to acknowledge Cupid’s regrettable embrace of egalitarianism.) Thus, while much of my advice is directed at the better sort of gentleman, I have no objection to persons of lesser cerebral attainment deriving benefit from it; that is to say, females, persons of trade, and the lower classes. I do, however, expect my readership to command certain levels of intelligence and moral feeling. If you are equivocal on these points then I beg you take your leave of this book; in the hands of a foolish or unscrupulous character, the potency of its wisdom could cause rather more ill than good.

I address only those who seek to make a successful and respectable courtship their object. Whether you do so for love or pecuniary advancement is no concern of mine (unless your impertinence stretches so far as to inspire designs upon my sister). Having been entirely untroubled by amatory failure, I cannot conceive of any defensible objection to the legitimacy of my counsel. I reflect with great satisfaction that at present, in common with a noted musician and philosopher, while I am beset by nigh on one hundred grievances, a vexatious female need not be counted among them.

A very English attack

In times of war such as these, Englishmen pride themselves on their singularly bold and effectual skills in engagement with the enemy. Courtship may be viewed in quite the same way (although on no account are you to manhandle a female as you would an armed Frenchman).

In truth, the romantic rituals of our foreign cousins are often as inscrutable as their culinary preferences. The Italians – self-proclaimed experts in matters of love – are seldom favoured in this country on account of their offensively greased hair and fondness for walking about half-dressed. In France, before the unfortunate Revolution threw the nation into disarray, it was the fashion to simply insist upon a lady’s hand, supporting the suit with lascivious language and vulgar gesticulation. A fanciful custom in Lapland requires a suitor to creep towards the house of his beloved cloaked in a wolf-skin and present her parents with a bottle of brandy.

The German mode of courtship is largely concerned with the giving and receiving of prized sausages. They also avail themselves of any excuse to engage in that most riotous and indecent of dances, the waltz, under which auspices a gentleman actually clasps his arm around an unknown lady’s waist! Thankfully, in this country all respectable persons would frown most seriously on such behaviour and the unmentionable lusts it must excite.

The Spanish exhibit two extraordinary perversions in their treatment of the female sex. First, the ladies are revered to an extraordinary extent. It is considered improper to express any discontent with their conduct and if a lady fancies a jewel, her male companion is obliged to buy it (the women, unsurprisingly, are very much given to such whims). Second, many married noblewomen expect to be ‘courted’ by other consorts, who must beg to be admitted to her circle of admirers. And all with the consent of their husbands! Clearly the climate of that country has had a catastrophic effect on the intellect of its male inhabitants.

The English style of courtship is in all respects superior. By all means feel things deeply, but refrain from making your sentiments publicly known, unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not overwhelm the lady with too direct an attack, nor prostrate yourself before her with unmanly sentimentality. Such unreasonable females as will only value a courtship based on absurd flatteries and fripperies are not worth a regret. Quiet attentions, formally bestowed, will be more than sufficient.

Extracted from Mr Darcy's Guide to Courtship by Fitzwilliam Darcy (and Emily Brand), published by Old House Books.