This Year's Queen's Speech (possibly)

I look back with affection on the Eurovision Song Contest in May, when we recalled how very strange our European neighbours really are. It is these moments that remind us why the United Kingdom is physically and emotionally separate from Europe. 

 

I was delighted to make my first visit to the Republic of Ireland, having purchased it during the banking crisis. And delighted to have agreed the historic treaty that brought an end to Bono as a legal entity. I know the nation will join with me in rejoicing at never again having to listen to this man.

 

This year has not been without its trials. It has been a testing time for the media, politicians and the police, all of whom have been found to be wanting. It is at times such as these I say to you: trust no one but yourself and your Queen.

 

In the face of incompetent politicians, reckless bankers and amoral phone hackers the world over, one assures you all that your Queen loves you and, in the words of the great British poet, Freddie Mercury, “talent will out, my dear”.

 

I wish you, and those whom you care for, a very happy Christmas.

 

 

Gin O'Clock, by The Queen (of Twitter) is out now, published by Hodder.